The Funeral

Dear Diary,

Today is Steve Travers’ funeral, and I’ve lost my comb. I look like shit, and must face all these people. It will undoubtably be a maudlin affair, and I do not relish the prospect. Even so, it’s a nice sunny day and having a bath and a shave might just perk me up sufficiently to be able to face the solemn gathering of local family and close friends.

Leaving Mr. Barker at home will have to be done. The usual drill of putting all the electrical wires up on high be necessary, lest my little chewer destroys another laptop lead or lamp. I can’t begrudge him for it, he’s just wanting attention, and who can blame him? “Have you been chewing mains cables again have you?” My little chewer. I love him so much.

Max.

Hard Times

Dear Diary,

Life ... is incredibly tough. Though having spent years living outside in a tent, I can safely say that I am poorer now than I have been at any time in my life. It is hard times at the moment.

“Well, there our pleasures ended,
and our troubles all began,
The hardships of those summer months,
would break the strongest man.”

(From John Renbourn’s The Buffalo Skinners).

I must find a new kind of employment, perhaps sell off the færie forest (painted miniatures) to fund keeping bank charges at bay and staving off hunger. Much of the time I feel like not eating, even though I may have food. I realise I am depressed. The remedy for this does not come in the form of scrippy pills (prescriptions) nor wooing women with allure, nay, the solution is in working hard and reading history. I am utterly depressed and only myself may restore my spirit.

No-one even reads this, so it seems as pointless as ever, blogging.

Farina is in Edinburgh, putting on her show. I am stuck down south, listening to winds that blow; The soft shadow-like spectre of mourning hangs over me like the sword of Damocles, threatening to engulf me.

Max.

Rome TW: Barbarian Invasion (Tactics)

Dear Diary,

It’s the summer holidays, and as a result I’ve been reading and researching Roman history and Latin culture. Besides doing the odd gig with No electrickery light relief from studious endeavour includes me playing one of the few games that doesn’t bore me, Rome: Barbarian Invasion. I am eagerly awaiting the release of Rome II in September, but until then I’ll happily make do with Rome: Barbarian... (Besides, I don’t even have the hardware to run Mediæval or Empire, let alone Shogun or Rome II).

My tactics are somewhat unorthodox: an island hopper, who does coastal raids on larger empires. Put simply, once having captured a province on the mainland continent, I exterminate every time, click raze on the pagan Temple, build a Hermitage or Chapel, then, next turn, burn every building in the settlement (apart from the Roman school and Christian Church), get back on the boat, and go find another settlement to plunder. I get about ten grand for the wiping out, then roughly a further 10,000-30,000 denarii for the city’s buildings I’ve razed. Not bad. We invest that exclusively in the island provinces, ensuring naval supremacy, and building up as much trade as possible.

Long range archers (longbowmen or even better: eastern empire archers) are my mainstay, with a hoplite hedge or cohorts of legionaries protecting their front and flanks. Cavalry on the edges. My favourite unit are the mobile artillery chariots both the east and the west get. Fast-moving ballistæ are devastating against troops.

In the game I am currently playing (currently gone from circa 370 C.E. to the summer of 455 C.E.) I’ve managed to keep hold of Constantinople, but long since lost all of Asia Minor and the Middle East, to rebels, not Sassinids. The Mausoleum has been gutted many a time. Being fully Christian means I get a lot of defections from rebel generals, they usually don’t survive long. Baptism of fire. It’s all good.

I own all of the islands on the map, from Cypress to Crete, Sicily to Brittania. I also have Rome, a victory condition province for many, and am about to recapture Alexandria [in Egypt] after nearly two centuries of rebel occupation. (I stood my ground and tried to keep hold of Alexandria: it’s a victory condition requirement for Byzantium). Carthage after that, then

“Go burn the turrets of this cursēd town!
Flame to the highest region of the air;
Over my zenith hand the blazing star
That may endure ‘til the heavens be dissolved...
Give me a map then let me see
How much is left to conquer all the world!”

From Christopher Marlowe’s Tamburlaine the Great, Part Two: Acts III & V, Scenes ii & iii, pages 190 & 236, lines 1-6 & 123-124 (respectively); Also from Dr. Faustus the movie, 50 minutes and 30 seconds into it.

Playing Rome whilst watching Richard Burton then afterwards hearing Professor Paul Freedman’s OpenLearn for Yale lectures is a thoroughly enjoyable and enlightening experience.

Maximus Fleximus Augustus.

Marlowe, C. (2003 [1587]) Christopher Marlowe: The Complete Plays, Penguin Books, London, pp.190 & 236, ll.1-6 & 123-124.