Mind over matter.

Dear Diary,

I had a major epiphany today. First of all I got back on the horse with the Latin, after being thrown in low spirits over Saturnalia. Alas, I am rusty as buggery but am managed to rediscover my mojo for language with a matter of minutes. I must keep it going, studying each day.

The revelation came when I managed to pull myself out of ‘the cloud of the black dog’ and get back with it.

I remember dating a burd a while ago (like fifteen years ago) who was well fit! I mean she had an incredible intellect, was so beautiful and gentle. She left me for a muscular toreador with a barrel chest and big red flares. Anyway. Before she left me, I excitedly told a friend about getting together with this incredibly talented woman (a musician, naturally) and my mate said, “Well she’s a very lucky girl.” I had not even considered that she might feel lucky to have me - so low was my self-esteem - and something not too dissimilar happened to me today.

I have been worried about doing years of study to get a degree and another twenty-thirty years research to eventually become a Professor; constantly the black dog hounded my spirit. “Is it worth it?” I asked myself, “Have I left it too late in life?” My grades are very average and I am not well respected in many places. Most people hate me. That’s life. Anyhow. Today I had a polarity shift in perspective: I will not be lucky to find a decent job after graduation; whichever institution does eventually hire me will be lucky to have me; and visa-versa. It’s not all one way. I am not going to accept teaching brats just anywhere (as far as I’m concerned, that’s the wooden spoon prize). Despite my grades, I have what it takes to be a teacher: charisma, knowledge, a thirst for the subject matter (classics) and any institution would be just as lucky to employ me, as I would be fortunate enough to beat the competition and land a job with them. Sure, competition is tough, but that’s no problem. I’ll just have to keep applying for jobs, going to interviews and so forth, once I am sufficiently qualified.

In the meantime, music is my master, my bread and butter, and that is really quite okay. I must not let living on a tenner a week get me down. While everyone else is getting ‘mental benefit’ or working on minimum wage, Maxwell works for no pay, at his studies. The OU wrote me a letter saying that it is only part time study. Today I took my books with me, plonked them on the desk at the Council offices and said, “You think that’s part time?” Two modules at once. I even showed her the Latin grammar guide. It’s no cake-walk lady. I can tell you.

Maxy is back on the flex.

If you think you’re defeated: you are defeated. It’s not simply a question of maintaining a positive mental attitude, but it’s about courage, and most of all: spirit.